Hard Lessons in Marriage
Wouldn’t it be great if that “honeymoon” stage of marriage lasted for longer than it does? The endless nights of talking, the endless laughing together, the intimacy, and the countless other feelings and emotions that are so alive.
Why do we let the phase drown out? Why do we not fight more to hold onto those feelings?
I’m not saying everyone does, but let’s be honest, it is easy to easy to let life get in the way.
What if we didn’t though? What if we chose to not let those feelings fade into the wasteland. How many of our marriages would look different? Feel different? I know for a fact mine would.
I dated my husband for almost 3 years before we got married. While we met and dated in high school, we had a 10-year separation with how our lives were going. When we reconnected we each had our own kids. The feelings we still had for each were more than alive. We jumped head-first into right where we left off. Immediately moved into together and blended our families. Now, hindsight is 20/20, right? Did we do it correctly? No, absolutely not, but that wasn’t something I realized and learned for many, many years down the line.
Bringing us right into…..
Lesson 1: PATIENCE.
We should have incorporated patience for our kids when we moved into together. Not mixed our kids right away. Allowed time for them to get to know each other and develop a relationship. Nope, not us and boy did we have issues and problems and fights. Not only between our boys but between us. Neither one of us had patience for the other. It was always “yours vs mine” and never “ours”. I can look back on it now and see that the premise of our fighting is still the same to this day. The winner of the fight and who is right. Spoiler alert: the answer is no one.
Patience has been a missing element of my marriage since that time. Or, let me rephrase that, I have learned over the years how to have more patience. With our kids and with my husband. I have worked really hard to exude patience because I was noticing the harmful ways that our family was being affected without it.
Lesson 2: Forgiveness
For me, forgiveness runs right in the path of patience, and I am big for forgiveness.
Fact: Our kids are going to mess up. We are to have patience with them, teach them, then forgive them.
Fact: We are undoubtedly going to do something that will need forgiveness from someone. We are going to hurt someone, whether it’s intentional or not because we are human and we make mistakes. Forgive. It might take some time. It might require changing actions. It will require accountability and ownership. What happens if we hold onto that anger though? It is just going to stir in us, mess with our emotions, and we are going to carry around baggage that we weren’t ment to hold on to. Release it. Forgive.
Lesson 3: Honesty
This one is hard. This one might even make me cry. Just be honest, even it if it feels like it’s too much or too painful to tell the truth, you’re going to have to trust me on this… start with honestly.
Little lies add up to big lies. They stack on top of each other. I’m not talking about hiding certain details about a surprise from your spouse. I’m talking about the little lies about who you are talking to, where you are, what you are doing and going, your beliefs, your truth, your wants, your needs, your desires. Be honest. It’s easier to have a hard conversation built around truth than it is to have a fake conversation around lies.
Lesson 4: Listening
Listen to your spouse. Let me say that again, LISTEN TO YOUR SPOUSE. Listen to the words they are saying. Listen to their body language. Listen to their non-verbal ques. Are they acting different and you don’t know why? Are they disengaging and no matter how many times you tell them you need something they don’t seem to hear you?
One of the most impactful lessons we can learn for each other is how to listen to each other with empathy.
Lesson 5: Leave your ego at the dump
Honestly, go to the dump and drop your ego off because it has zero place within your house or your marriage. Do not move it in. Do not create a space for it. Take it to the dump. Our egos are not there for our good. They are there to lie to us about protection that it thinks we need. It lies.
Ego is the thing in an argument that drives you to have to win. It is what breaks down your spouse and makes them feel inadequate and the reason why they shut down during discussions and the reason you get even more irritated and mad with them.
If your ego is the unwelcome guest; take some time to figure out why you feel you need to be protected from your spouse telling you about their feelings. Why do their feelings cause your ego to spike?
Everyone is allowed to have feelings. We don’t have to agree with them, but we also don’t get to shame someone for having them. Furthermore, why would you want to do that to your spouse? or your kids?
Congratulations, you may have “won” the argument but how much more did you lose?
Lesson 6: Gratitude and Appreciation
It’s the little things that matter, not the big things.
- The mid-week date night.
- Doing a task without being asked – dishes / trash / laundry
- Words of gratitude and acknowledgement of efforts being made
- The little touches of no expectations
Anything that shows your spouse that you see them, you appreciate them and you are here to succeed with them. You guys are in this life, relationship and family together- why not act like it?
You guys chose each other for a reason. Don’t forget why.
If you forgot why, go back to the early days and remember.
Never give up on each other.