The Longest 44 Days of My Life – Surrendering to God
Surrendering to God is hard. I had no idea how to surrender. For many weeks, I thought I was. I thought I had released the outcome of my marriage to God. I thought that I had released it all the worries, doubts, fears, wants, and most importantly control to God.
The reality was – I had not.
Maybe I did on the surface level. Maybe. On a deeper level, the full depths of release, I had not. I continued to see the same creator on my FYP page say the same thing “God has a message for you; you need to let go. You haven’t let go.”
There are only so many times you can see the same message, ignore it, assume it doesn’t apply to you before you have your own personal awakening. Your “come to Jesus” moment if you will.
I had not fully surrenedered to God.
I was still checking my husband’s social media page. I told myself that I was just making sure he was okay, but that was not true. I wanted to see what he was up to.
I was still checking all our bank accounts and credit card charges. I told myself that was because we were still so intertwined financially, and I needed to know where our money was going and what was being spent. That was probably sensible on some level, but it also showed that I was trying to be in control.
Reality hit me in the face. A full face palm straight to my forehead. I had to stop. Not only to release the control I was still holding onto but also to restore my peace.
I couldn’t control what was going on. He was going to do what he was going to do and I had to find a way to let it go, give it to God and truly surrender.
It was not easy. The amount of self-control I had to muster up was hard. It was a slow process. Hour by hour, turned into day by day.
I finally felt God’s peace. I was able to control my own actions, my own thoughts, my own contributions to the problems and that allowed me to apply those same practices to other aspects of my life that I needed to.
There were signs and signals straight from God coming into my life. Visions of His plan for me and my marriage. For the first time in my life, I was having clear and vivid dreams of my husband. Every. Single. Night. I would walk down the hallway of my house and see my husband sitting in his chair.
The most defining sign was the feeling deep in my gut. My intuition. I was so intuned to it was telling me to do. I could tell the difference in the feelings of my gut and let it guide me in the right direction. If it told me to stop doing what I was doing and pray; I prayed. If it told me my husband was thinking about me; I talked to him as if my life depended on it. I never questioned what I was being driven to do. I just did.
I also kept to myself. I stopped talking to people about things going on. I stopped turning to others to find the peace and answers I was looking for. That was within me all along and I had to develop that myself – and turn to God.
For weeks I stayed consistent and tuened in with God and His word. I developed a strict schedule for myself to follow. That was crucial because I always knew what I was going to do and my mind never had time to wonder – but if it did, one simple phrase brought me back “Lord release my mind from all words that are not directly from you. In the name of Jesus Christ, I release all negativity.”
I became very good at grounding my nervous system. This was crucial for my survival.
There was one night about a month in that I had my first ever panic attack. I didn’t know I was having one at the time though. I was convinced that I was having a heart attack. I was moments away from going to the ER. I resisted that though; the last thing I needed was additional bills.
The next day, I put it all together. I recognized that it was a panic attack and I realized why I was having one. I had put some pieces of the puzzle together that had been slowly coming into play and it was too much for my body to handle. There was nothing I could do about it though. I had to stay focused on what God was showing me and not what the flesh of the world was.
Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”.
God was allowing my husband to make choices just as he allowed me to.
Pain. Anger. Hurt. Frustration. Confusion. All just a short list of things I was feeling. God was showing me a glimpse of what my husband was feeling. Received and understood.
My prayers and conversations with my husband’s soul changed. Instead of ‘come home, come home, come home’, it was ‘We can fix anything. We are deeply connected and that isn’t going to change. Nothing that is happening during this time matters because we will prevail.’
My prayers became purer and from the heart. I stopped praying like I thought you had to pray. The truth is, there is no right or wrong way to pray. I actually asked my aunt that one night because I had convinced myself that I wasn’t praying right and that was why God wasn’t hearing me. Her words are still with me to this day when I pray: There is no right or wrong way to pray. God knows what you are trying to say.
Isn’t that the God honest truth?! He already knows what is in your heart. He already knows what your desires are. He already knows. Are you being pure though? Are you praying for control and a specific outcome or are you praying regardless of outcome and your understanding? Have you fully repented and spoke your sins to God?
I believe that is what God wants to hear. We can ask for anything. We can want for anything. That doesn’t mean we are going to receive though. God may not answer some of our prayers because they are not right for us and we do not know that yet, because we don’t have His understanding. We do not see what He sees. BUT – if it is God’s will and God’s way, we shall receive and nothing can stop it.
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