The Longest 44 Days of My Life
It was March 29, 2026 at 4:30 in the morning when my husband came to bed. I was already awake and upset. Not only because he was up all night in the garage, but also because I felt like the space between us was too large.
He often works during the night. It is really hard for him to work numerous night shifts in a row and then switch to a day schedule for us. Honestly, sometimes it didn’t even feel like he even wanted to.
When he came to bed, I could sense that he was already upset. I didn’t know why, but I felt the tension in the air.
He asked me what was wrong; I was crying, and I told him why. That our distance was too big even though we were in the same house. He asked me if I knew why and I said ‘no, other than our different schedules.’ He said no, it was because of your affair. I later found out that he thought I was texting my old affair partner the night before at dinner and hiding it from him. I was not. It was a stupid store texting me the latest sale for shopping- Birkenstocks to be exact.
We started to fight. He learned more information about my affair from 4 years prior and I do not blame him for the anger and pain he was feeling. By 7:30 am, he was out the door.
I was instantly a wreck. Hyperventilating. Crying. Collapsing to my knees.
I called my friend and could barely talk. I couldn’t believe what had just happened, but also, I completely understood.
When I am upset, I’m a talker. I need to talk it out. That is how I release my emotions and feelings.
I spent that day on the couch. Crying. Not caring about anything. The pain I was feeling was the worst pain of my entire life. Nothing hit that hard. I tried to numb the pain. I took more of my migraine meds than I should have. It wasn’t enough. Nothing was going to take this pain away.
I slept on the couch that night. Actually, I slept on the couch for the next 3.5 weeks. I couldn’t go to my bed, not without my husband.
I took two days off of work. I got up in the mornings to take my kids to school and promptly came home to completely fall apart. There isn’t much about those first few days that I remember.
And that is okay. It is okay to fall apart. It is okay to cry. It is okay to do the bare minimum. I sure did. I made sure my kids were taken care of, but nothing more. I definitely wasn’t taking care of myself.
I had a void in my life. It felt like half my sole my missing. This was more than just a separation or pending divorce. There was a deeper feeling I felt but could not identify it just yet. I went from talking to my husband all day, every day, to being in a no contact situation.
He hated me. He was full of rage. He wanted nothing to do with me. And the last words he said to me were the dreaded “I want a divorce.” I didn’t even blame him, but I wasn’t going down without a fight.
I talked to a few different people. What do I do? How do I fix this? I know I can fix this but how do you fix your marriage when one of you is gone? My aunt told me to “Give it to God.”
Okay, but how? What does that really mean? How do you do that? I had no idea. I did not grow up in any sort of religion. I was never exposed to God, the Bible, Jesus. I knew nothing.
The funny, and scary, part of me trying to figure out how to Give it to God, was that my social media apps were listening. The videos and reels I was seeing switched from funny comedy to videos about God- and tarot readings. Good heavens. The amount of tarot videos that I saw on a daily basis was next level.
In between the videos of everyone saying, “your spouse is coming back”, were videos that were actually helpful. One creator, Madison, was doing a series of how to become a pure wife in the eyes of God – watched all of those. Had to be a good start, right?
There were also creators that started with “if this landed on your FYP, God has a message and you were meant to see this.” Perfect, what is the message? How to surrender to God. How to let it all go and release it to God. God can’t work while you’re trying to maintain control.
The phase Give it to God just became deeper than I thought – and harder. A lot harder.
It wasn’t just half believing the phrase or the thought. That was not enough and it was not easy.
I had to surrender. I had to do something I had no idea how to do or where to start. I felt the calling to turn to God and start building the relationship with him that was missing from my life. It was time to learn how to talk to him, how to pray, how to read the bible. It was time to find my faith and trust fully in the Lord. It was time to fully surrender to Him.