Building a Strong Foundation
I cannot stress enough how important communication is for the foundation of a relationship. While our relationships are not solely based on communication, that is one area of my relationship that has always – AND I MEAN ALWAYS- has struggled. To this day, my husband and I have yet to figure out how to be successful in communicating. Sometimes it hurts so much. The internal pain of not being heard is completely damaging to me, and I will shut down immediately. I will drop my head and shut my mouth until the situation ends and we walk away, usually more frustrated than when we started.
Please remember, talking about our feelings with our partners is NOT about winning anything. I will say that again, there are no winners when we are trying to talk about our feelings. My husband is quick to say “fine, whatever, you win, it’s my fault.” My response is always, we are not talking to win, we are talking to hear each other and solve this issue. Now, most the time, there is no resolution and we walk away unresolved, burying it deeper and rehashing at our next discussion. But every so often, I can get his attention and see the expression on his face soften from defense to offense, and that is the most beautiful thing to watch happen.
Sometimes, our biggest communication is non-verbal. I know it is for me. I tend to get very quiet when I’m upset. I cry when I’m frustrated. I will rage clean when I’m angry. I will sleep when I am having anxiety. I don’t always feel safe to express what’s going on and what I’m feeling and anyone that knows me, knows that I need to talk to heal. Talk to release everything from my body.
Never start a conversation with “You did this…” or ” You don’t do this…” Or my personal favorite, “What is your problem?” The amount of self-control in that I have to utilize in those moments is staggering. To be completely honest, sometimes I don’t. That one sentence said to me in the wrong moment will push me straight off the cliff and right into the unhealthy sport of word vomit. For me, that question is worse than someone saying to “calm down” when you are angry. IYKYK. It took me too many years to change my communication openers from “you did this and it made me mad” to “When this was done or said, it made me feel like this.” Does it always work? No. But it does help me stay intentional in my mind so I can stay intentional in my words.
Again, communication is not the only factor in the foundation of our relationships, and we will get into others later on, but being in a relationship where that is missing, I wish every single day that it was stronger for us.
Insights for a Strong Relationship
- Support each other’s dreams.
- LISTEN to each other. Create a plan to support one another.
- Recognize when you each need to be the giver or the taker. It is not always one person doing one.
- Communicate openly and honestly.
- Honesty is always best. Starting with the truth, on any subject, is always easier for your partner to deal with first. Even if it doesn’t feel or appear like that in the moment. Trust me on this one.
- Grow together through experiences.
- We go through so many experiences in life, individually and together. They are wonderful and horrible. We don’t always know their significance in the moment, but a time will come when we will.
- Support and love each other through both.
- Learn to accept gratitude in both- especially the bad.